Apocalyptic Daria: Part #3 Linda and Beyond

I gave a plug for Apocalyptic Daria before.  I just wanted to mention that Part 3 is now up.  See who lives, see who dies and see who’s fried.  I’m reading it now. edit: I was kidding about the “Who’s fried” bit.  Oh well.

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50 Things NOT to do at Hogwarts

50 Things NOT to do at Hogwarts (For reference, I didn’t write this but found it many places on line. If anyone knows the actual author, I’d love to give credit to that person.) edit: I recently received an email from Atalanta Pendragonne that he or she is the original compiler of the list.  You can view the complete 50 Things NOT to do at Hogwarts list there as well as read all of the comments.  Atalanta mentioned that this is the complete list with “links to all the (CREDITED) submissions” and “there were pages and pages of them before I stopped archiving them.”  Thanks for the follow up. 1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are “covered in bees”. 2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class. 3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not “an extra credit project for Herbology”. 4. “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge. 5. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger. 6. I will not go to class skyclad. 7.The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball. 8. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”. 9. I will stop referring to showering as “giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful”. 10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. “Polishing my wand” in the common room is not. 11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm. 12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers. 13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept. 14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant. 15. Adding the name “Bueller” to Professor Binns’ roster is not funny. 16. “Springtime for Voldemort” is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play. 17. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”. 18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as “bookends”. 19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as “bookends”. 20. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not “Rocky Horror.” 21. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that “Once you go Black, you never go back.” 22. I will not call Lucius Malfoy “Jareth”. 23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class. 24. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as “Kitchen Stadium”. 25. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to “Get a room” whenever they start to fight. 26. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason. 27. I am not a tribble Animagus. 28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha. 29. I do not weigh the same as a duck. 30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar. 31. Sirius Black is not #24601. 32. I will not lick Trevor. 33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is. 34. I am not being repressed. 35. Calling Lucius Malfoy “Luscious Mouthful” is just plain gross. 36. I will not change the password to the prefects’ bath to “Makes getting clean almost as much...

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Daria Iron Chef: Write what you know

  Daria slapped her arm and said, “Die, you unclean spawn of Barch.” She lifted her hand to see the mangled remains of a mosquito. Quinn looked over. “Ewwwww!!!! Daria, how could you?” “Don’t worry. We can fix him.” Daria pulled out a device and slowly passed it over the dead blob on her arm. After a few moments, Daria paused and looked at the device. “Oh, my mistake. That’s a salt shaker.” She tossed it over her shoulder, pulled out a second device and began passing that over the blob. This device gave off a siren type...

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Daria knew…

Daria knew it was going to be a strange day when she opened her eyes and saw Quinn, Tiffany and Ms. Li passed out naked on her bedroom floor.

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Richard Lobinske’s Daria D – Part 6

Richard Lobinske gives us part 6 of Daria R. We see that Dr. Daria von Doom or *cough* Triple D *cough* is still confused with the technology that she’s discovered on the agent that they captured.

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Daria in Sarcasm at 1600 – Chapter 14

Mike Xeno’s kicked out Chapter 14 of Sarcasm at 1600. Give it a read today. I liked it. He seems to play on the idea of Quinn may not be so shallow as we’ve always been lead to believe. Also I’m wondering what Agent Lewis’ home life has been like lately. Can’t wait for the party. I want to see how Quinn deals with the first lady.

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Another tidbit….

A short piece I wrote when I was thinking about doing a Daria – Dragonlance crossover A short piece I wrote when I was thinking about doing a Daria – Dragonlance crossover The parties continued into the night. The warriors ignored how the peasants hadn’t lifted a finger to help, refused them all the permits that they needed, tripled the taxi fare rates within the city, and shorted their linen exchange. The battle was over. They were victorious. Any excuse for a party. And a chance to lift as many purses as possible from the hung over crowds. Greyhound was expensive and the remaining warriors wanted to leave first thing in the morning. They had already heard about the upcoming “Winning the War” tax that was going into effect in the morning. The frail figure nearly tripped over the broken walkway. She rubbed her foot as she considered blasting the block into the 572nd layer of Hell but decided that it wasn’t worth it. She had already blasted three rocks there just this week. The rocks never learned. She drew in her robes tighter around her as she resumed her travel towards the Tower. Daria the Cynic kept one eye on the broken stones and another on the closed and run down shops that lined the street. It had to be because of the Tower. Daria knew that having Magi as neighbors was usually seen as a good thing by the community. Increase in property values. Better schools. Free lunch meat giveaways whenever an experiment went wrong. Towns used to fight over where the next Tower was to be built. “No more,” Daria mumbled as she lifted her head to look at her destination, the Tower of Cynicism. Years ago, there had been more of them. Some said a total of five had been constructed. Some said eleven. There were only three left now that she knew of. She had taken her test and been officially recognized as a Magi at the Trump Tower over in Jersey. There was also the London Tower. Most of the “old guard” resided at that one. Every couple of years, they had to tear it down and move it to a new location. The official excuse was to insure the protection of the last few remaining wizards and their work. What was probably more likely was one of the old gizers knocked up the daughter of a local official or they had tried to cash too many worthless checks and they had been run out of town. Daria paused again as a shiver passed through her. She wrapped her black velvet cloak even tighter around her as she stood a distance from the gate. Lows in the sixties my ass she thought with a curse as the back of her hand brushed against the religious symbol of her alignment hanging from around her neck. The dead smiley face with a bullet hole in the forehead never stopped making people pull back in horror and disgust. It also marked herself as a worshipper of her god, Nixon, and the lesser god, Checkers. Her mind drifted back to when she was first growing up and how she had followed the ways of the more neutral god, Whatever, and the goddess, Whenever. She had then worn the rainbow colored robes with the peace sign around her neck. The symbol had hung heavily as no matter what she did, she never felt comfortable with that alignment. The local high Priest by the name of Trent had taken the words of their holy book to heart and held...

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For Roger

A short fic in answer to one posted by Roger E. Moore. This fic is Daria characters dropped into a DragonLance scene. For Roger… by Dr. Mike by Dr. Mike   The evening was in full swing as Tika stepped over passed out farm hand and set the loaded tray down on the table. As she passed out the plates of potatoes, her eyes kept roaming back to the old man sitting in the corner with one child on his knee and surrounded by many others. He had entered the Inn during the slow afternoon, past mealtime and continued into the evening. He had spent most of it talking to the patrons as if they knew each other for their entire lives but no one could figure out what his name was or where he was from. She shrugged as she remembered the many times she had tried to refill the geezer’s mug of ale but it had always been full. Whenever she had passed him during the day, he had been taking long drinks out of it but never seemed to need a refill. She shrugged as she passed out the last heaping plate and moved over to another table which needed more ale. As she poured, the door to the Inn slammed open. Four young woman entered, wrapped in hooded travelling cloaks. They approached an empty table, sat down, and threw back their cloaks. “I can’t believe we had to climb up all those stairs,” moaned Sandi as she rubbed the backs of her legs. “Whose idea was it to put an inn so high up in the trees? Some of us have four inch heels and could have tripped or gotten a heel caught.” “San-di. All those stairs are good for your legs,” supported Quinn as she too started to rub. “And the new heels are wider to prevent catching them in holes.” “Are you suggesting that my thighs and legs need help, Quinn?” pouted Sandi. “Or that there’s a problem with the way I walk?” “Oh no. Not your legs, Sandi. They’re just too perfect. And your walking is just superb!” “Even though. I’m going to have to mark your rather unflattering remark towards me as a demerit on your Fashion Club scorecard.” “I didn’t know we had Fashion Club scorecards,” questioned Quinn. “Neither did I,” Stacy defended as well. “Me.” She paused and counted on her fingers fairly quickly. “Three.” droned Tiffany. This earned Stacy and Tiffany an evil glare from their club president. Stacy gets a bit nervous while Tiffany ignores it. Sandi went on. “And who ever heard of a fashion show in a small hick town? Stacy, where is it again?” “Solace. It’s on the map.” “Tiffany, are you sure we’re going in the right direction?” “Sure. My. Family. Goes. There. Every. Year. South. On. I. Ninety. Five. And. Then. On. I. Four.” Tiffany holds out the map, which Quinn takes and holds out between herself and Sandi. “Tiffany dear. This is a map of Florida. Your family goes there every year for vacation.” “I. Like. Mickey.” mentioned Tiffany as she stares off into space. “Guys, look at everyone’s clothes.” Stacy was staring around the hall. They all turned and looked at the other patrons. “Don’t they wear something besides brown in this town?” “Brown is so last year.” Quinn knew her clothes. “EEWWWW!!!” went all four as Tika comes up to stand at the table in between Quinn and Sandi. She outweighs them by a good twenty pounds and, *cough*, has a good five inches on them if you know...

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Your Honor

Combine Lawndale residents with a well-known third-shift courtroom, and what do you get? A short crossover with the characters from the sitcom “Night Court” and a member of the Daria cast. Your Honor by Dr. Mike We start with an upper body shot of Helen. She’s dressed nice but professional. From the background, it appears that she is standing in a courtroom that has seen better days. Helen: Your honor, my client was simply trying to defend himself from what he felt was an unprovoked attack by a bunch of wild, uncontrolable animals. I move for dismissal. The camera changes to show the bench. Judge Harry T. Stone sits behind it holding his gavel. He looks very serious about his work. (Yeah, right.) Judge Stone: (He turns in the direction of the prosecutor.) Councilor? Dan: Your honor, he tried to wipe out an entire flock of penguins at the city zoo with a handful of funny colored dice. The camera pulls back to show the set of Night Court. For those of you who don’t remember, it was a television comedy show set in a New York City courtroom during the third shift hours. Standing between Helen and Dan is a deranged, older gentleman. The older gentleman: They were making fun of me. Dan: The prosecution would also like to point out that the defendant thinks he’s a famous British movie star. Judge Stone: Aren’t they all dead? Dan: Almost, your honor. He thinks he’s Roger Moore. Roger: I am Roger Moore, Roger E. Moore. I’m not British, I used to work as a fantasy author. Those penguins were mocking me! Helen: Your honor, maybe this man is telling the truth. Dan: Oh, you just want to star in his next movie. Helen: Dan?!?! Judge Stone: Defense, he tried to knock off one of the zoo’s prized exhibits. Helen: With a bunch of funny colored dice? They wouldn’t have done any damage. Dan: Unless he rolled a natural twenty. Judge Stone: (He sighs but bangs his gavel) Guilty. Fifty dollar fine and time served. (Mr. Moore is escorted out.) OK, Mack. Who’s our next lucky contestant? Mack: (He climbs up onto the bench.) Case Number 85865214. People vs. the Fashion Club. (They are escorted up to stand in front of the bench. They are of course animated. They’re also covered in grime from the holding cells.) Judge Stone: What’s the charge? Mack: Resisting arrest, assault, harassment… Quinn: We were just trying to correct for fashion errors. Is that a crime? Tiffany: I. Can’t. Believe. I’m. A. Criminal. Stacy: What if everyone at school finds out we were arrested? What are we going to do? Sandi: Sta-cy, try and control yourself. Quinn, as president of the Fashion Club, I am holding you responsible for this little side trip. Quinn: How was I supposed to know those two ladies were vice cops? I just wanted to comment on their choice of shoes and how they didn’t match their dresses. Judge Stone: (To Mack.) Call for a paddy wagon, Mack. *** Heh heh heh. Surprised no one’s touched this one yet with Helen being a...

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Daria Fanfiction – Top Ten Number 3

Yes, I wrote another short story collection. Happy now? 🙂 This one features a guest author. Top Ten Number 3 by Dr. Mike   Number #30   It’s not really Daria but… We start with a blank screen. The round ABC logo fades into view. Announcer Voice: ABC, the advertising arm of Disney, gives you some of the shows that they have bought recently since they’re too cheap to think up their own. The Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher logo fades into view replacing the ABC logo. Announcer Voice: First we brought you Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher. Int. View: The Politically Incorrect set. Bill Maher is sitting at the head of the group with his legs crossed and playing with a pen like he always does. Bill Maher: OK, now that we’ve been bought by one of the big three networks and moved from that other network, they tell me that we can still cover nearly any topic we want to. (Beat.) Is it me or do all the female Disney leads have bigger hooters than Snow White did. The camera view changes to show Larry Flint and Charo are sitting to one side. Flint has a tiger stripped tie while Charo is dressed in a tiger print jump suit. Larry Flint: Of course, Bill. Pocahontas had a big old pair. That’s what America wants to see nowadays. Bigger breasted cartoon figures. That’s why my magazine’s sales are up over twenty percent in the last five years. Charo: (She gives that little body shake she does.) Cuchi-Cuchi! (The crowd goes wild.) The Doug logo fades into view now. Announcer Voice: Then we bought out Doug created by Jim Jinkins. Doug, Skeeter, and Patti are standing in front of a movie theater looking at the movie listings. Doug: Well we can watch Disney’s the Lion King, Disney’s Pocahontas, Disney’s Mulan, Disney’s the Kid, Disney’s Tarzan, Disney’s… The South Park logo fades into view. Announcer Voice: South Park we picked up for a dime. Ext. View: The boys in a line waiting for the school bus. They look uncomfortable. Stan: Now that we’re on another network, the producers are making us clean up our act. Kyle: You mean we can’t say [BLEEP]? Stan: (Sadly.) No, we can’t even call the fat-[BLEEP] a fat-[BLEEP] anymore. Cartman: Hey! I am not a fat-[BLEEP]. I’m just big boned. Kyle So what can we do? Kenny goes into this long bit that we can’t make heads or tails of although the kids can and shocked looks appear on their faces. Once Kenny finishes, the boys look off screen and the camera follows. We see an ABC censor and all he can do is shrug. The camera returns to the boys and they sigh as a group. Cartman’s face flashes with a smile and he pulls out a Tarzan action figure. Kyle: Hey fatso, what are you doing with that doll? Cartman: Hey! It’s not a doll. It’s an action figure from the latest Disney movie, Tarzan. Stan: Tarzan? What are you doing with something from that movie? Kenny goes into another bit and we can sort of make out the words ‘Pocahontas’ and ‘pair.’ They turn as a group and we get to see the ABC censor shrug again. Cartman: And it’s got this nifty spear launcher. Cartman shoots Tarzan’s spear shooting Kenny in the head. He collapses and blood starts pouring out. The boys looked shocked. Kyle: Oh my [BLEEP], you [BLEEP] Kenny! Stan: You [BLEEP]ard! The boys stand there blinking at us trying to figure how what to make of that. Blood...

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